Perspective shifts

It is noon on a Friday, and I don’t feel like doing much. I have had a rather slow-ish morning, which was nice. I wallowed a little bit in depression, fatigue, and exhaustion, but got through it. I was fairly convinced that today was going to be another do-absolutely-nothing day, but I am glad that seems to be changing. In my depression, my husband was there to comfort me and hug me. That felt good. It was nice talking with him about my shit. He has work today, and I’m looking forward to seeing him later on.

My depression this morning, and still even now, is the sum of several different things together. I did far too much on Wednesday as far as chores. I decided to take a long nap afterwards because I knew I needed it. Well, I overslept and it made things far worse. I was even more tired and fatigued upon waking than I was before my head hit the pillow. I also woke with a lovely migraine-type headache. Thus I was cranky for the remainder of the day. I went to bed super early. Honestly I know better than to do that much stuff in one day like I did on Wednesday. Always, always, always, the next couple of days to the next few days I pay for it in the form of nearly debilitating fatigue and tiredness. Being the hardheaded individual that I am, I decided “nah, I got this, I can do all the things today“.

The sun has been rather absent the last several days, hidden behind dense cloud cover. That’s normally fine with me, for a couple of days, but several days in a row with no sunshine just destroys my mood and will to be productive. I am greatly affected by weather. Luckily, it has been much a much nicer temperature and a wonderfully reduced humidity. Fall is in the air. Aside from the weather, it’s the season change that has me extra tired and a little down. Is it just me or has this change in the season been super sudden? Less daylight for me always equals less energy than I already possess, even though I love winter. It’s a delicate balance for me. I am supposed to see some sun this afternoon, and I really hope the forecast is correct in that.

I’ve been so damn tired and fatigued the last couple of days that I haven’t even done any hooping or playing with my silk fans. That also led me to be quite crabby. I’m hoping to get outside and play today for at least a little while. Flow arts is still a great passion of mine. I’m not as interested in becoming sponsored by that hooping company anymore, but it was a neat process to apply for it and to possibly be considered for sponsorship. More than anything these days I’m just flowing for me. I have been far less active on Instagram. I’m not posting videos, I’m just allowing myself to be comfortable in my dance. I am putting a lot less pressure on myself when it comes to my dance arts, and it feels a lot better this way. I think I’ve decided that even if I am offered sponsorship that I will turn it down. I don’t want to have the obligation of posting videos of myself dancing when in reality I’m not super comfortable doing that.


My husband bought me a workbook for practicing bookkeeping, and a nice little desktop calculator. They are arriving in the mail tomorrow and I am really excited. I haven’t been this thrilled about a calculator since I got my first graphing calculator many years ago. It is going to make calculations super easy, and I’m looking forward to hearing how clicky the buttons are. I never thought in my entire life that I would be so interested in something like business and finance, but here I am. I always sort of rolled my eyes at the thought of finance, and dismissed it as “super boring”. Now I want to possibly make a career out of it. It’s wild how people change and grow. It is interesting to me how my mind has done a complete 180 degree flip on this subject.

I am now interested in the way the world of finances works, and I am even a little interested in learning about stock exchange. YouTube is my friend lately, and I have been learning so much for free about things like bookkeeping, accounting, QuickBooks, and the handling of money in general. It’s a weird feeling to be chasing after this goal of potentially being a bookkeeper. In the past (as in, my entire life) I never considered it a possibility to be fascinated by this stuff. I’m so thrilled about it and engaged in learning about it that I am thinking this has to be a sign from the Universe or something. I haven’t felt this intensely sure and certain about something like this in a very long time. It’s a unique feeling and I’m going to follow it and see where it takes me.

Overall there has been a shift in my perception for the better. I feel a sense of openness and wonder about the future rather than extreme anxiety, fear, and depression. Sure, I still have a decent amount of anxiety and depression…that’s the nature of my mental illness. In general, though, I am feeling curiosity more than deep seated dread. It’s a good feeling, for sure. I’d like to see where the future takes me, for once. I have a strange hope and a drive to do something different, which is honestly scary and amazing at the same time.

Hope you all have a good day.

Much love,

~kiti

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