Feeling down, but it’s ok

I have been feeling kinda depressed lately. It’s not at a horrible or unbearable level, not even too close to that. Just a baseline of bleh. Probably due to the depression, I’ve felt unmotivated, tired, fatigued, irritable. It’s annoying when I want to do things I normally enjoy but my brain and body are both like, “nope! don’t think so”. I did mostly nothing all day yesterday, which I mean we all need days like that. I’m getting things done around the house, here and there, but mostly the bare minimum. Which, again, is fine just irritating.

For me, depression is usually a baseline feeling. It always lurks in the background, in the corners of my mind. It’s not a big deal, I know with whatever mental illness I have that I get depressed. It has gotten worse over the last couple of days but mostly because I’m getting tired of it. I’m attempting to be patient with myself because I know this lovely thing happens on and off, but of course it is frustrating the hell out of me. It is what it is, and I am reminding myself that depression is a normal human emotion.

The weather has started cooling off a bit, and the humidity is going down somewhat. It is nice being outside and playing with my hoop and other flow arts props. The problem is that the depression is making me not want to be outdoors much, even though the weather is almost perfect. Feeling exhausted both physically and mentally does not make me want to go be active or move my body creatively. Fatigue tends to make me shaky when I become physically active, making flow arts quite difficult. I had a rather shitty flow day about two days ago. It happens now and then where I can’t get into the groove and flow state, but I still try and practice for at least a little while. It doesn’t discourage me, because I know that like depression bad flow days happen. I just couldn’t get into the groove and I couldn’t manage even quite simple tricks and movements. Then yesterday I was too exhausted to pick up my props and play at all. I’m planning on making today different, if I can.

I’m depressed lately but it’s ok. I’m trying to work with myself and not beat myself up about not getting much done. I may have been extra tired and bleh yesterday because I didn’t take my usual afternoon nap. I went to bed pretty early last night and woke up super late. I suppose I needed the sleep, although I don’t really know why. It is what it is.

I’m telling myself that my worth as a person is not dependent on my productivity, the amount of flow arts I do in a day, if I have a “successful” Etsy shop or not, if I blog one day or not, etc. Your worth is not measured by what you can or cannot do, how much money you make, etc. You are worth it because you are you. Period, end. On that same note, you are worth it no matter what others say about you or think about you, or act towards you. That stuff doesn’t matter. What matters is if YOU are happy with who you are, what you do, and if you are comfortable in your own skin. The same goes for me, if I can actually take my own advice!

Anyways. I’ll get off my soap box…for now!

My husband is working his fifteen hour shift today. Luckily his schedule is supposed to be shifting soon, and today might be one of his last fifteen hour shifts for the season. We are both excited about that. Soon-ish after the initial schedule shift there will be another, and he will work four days per week and have three days off in a row for several months. It will be nice to have the extra time with him. We are both happy about it. The summer season wears him out for sure, and it’s no wonder as to why. He works so hard, and I’m proud of him every day.

In my gardening news, I ended up moving my wildflowers outdoors. I needed more space in my grow tent because my snapdragons are massive and taking over everything in the bottom part. They were making it so my miniature roses weren’t getting as much light as I would like. The wildflowers will be just fine outside, they are wildflowers after all.

My little orchid is now blooming!

I am still surprised every day that I can make stuff grow. I need a larger tent or some more compact plants. Both my snapdragons and my miniature rose bush are at least two times larger than the pots they are in. I wanted to save the orchid and the gerbera daisy, since they were basically dead when I bought them, but I didn’t expect them to live or thrive. A happy surprise. Something for me to smile about each morning when I water them.

I’m getting excited about my trip to visit my mom and family in October. I’m not nearly as terrified about flying alone across the country, as I faced my severe fear last year and now feel like I can handle it better this time. We have a lot planned and it will be fun.

That’s about it from me for now.

Much love,

~kiti

6 thoughts on “Feeling down, but it’s ok

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s