I’m afraid but I do it anyway

When I step in front of the camera, I shake and feel like freezing. I realize it’s only my cell phone and no one is actually watching – yet – in real time. I’m afraid but I do it anyway. I have been camera shy since I can remember, and I’ve never enjoyed being watched or fulfilling the role as the center of attention. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m even becoming less camera shy.

I have a certain dream of becoming a great flow artist. My new love is the dragon staff, and of course I will forever love hula hooping. I practice at least once daily, unless I’m experiencing extreme fatigue or tiredness. I practice for a little while, and if I feel like it I set up my phone to record my flow. I hit record and get nervous. I’m afraid but I do it anyway.

Let’s back up a minute…dragon staff?…since I haven’t blogged in a minute or two. Yes. It’s basically a contact staff, but with three or four spokes on each end, usually. It looks really neat while spinning. My husband, being the amazing soul that he is, not only crafted my very first dragon staff but also then bought me the dragon that I had been drooling over. Our anniversary isn’t until late next month, but he wanted me to have a really nice dragon (and yes, another new hoop I might add).

I have dreams at night of performing flow arts. Surprisingly enough, a hooping dream is not common. I don’t really perform in front of a crowd, but I’m just spinning my chosen prop. I began having dreams of spinning a dragon staff, several months ago, even though I had never consciously thought of trying it. The dream became a reality, and I fell in love with the dragon almost immediately. I get to be a beginner again, and knowing basically nothing I rolled my first dragon down my arms and was hooked.

The “claws” are a nice stiff yet still bendy rubber. I named her Polaris after the North Star.

I decided a little while ago that I want to follow my flow arts passion. I decided to apply for sponsorship from The Spinsterz…I was afraid but I did it anyway. I took the leap and put myself out there. I’m not sure if or when I’ll hear back on my application, but I know they are checking their applications sometime next month. Even if I am not chosen for sponsorship, that’s ok. I still want to follow my passion. I have been recording myself with my new props almost daily and posting some of them, mostly on Instagram. I’m getting a little noticed, and that feels great. It has been hard putting myself out there like that, but it has also been good for me. I’m introverted. Like hard introverted. When I pick up my chosen flow prop I feel freedom of physical and creative expression – something I haven’t experienced much. I get nervous taking up space, any kind of space, but I’m getting a bit better at that.

So I’m doing things lately that are a little scary and nerve wracking, but I’m doing them anyway. I’m pouring my heart into my flow arts because it brings me joy. I think I may have found my “thing”. I’m 30 years old and I am now finding out one of my greatest passions in life. Better a little late than never!

Aside from doing positive things that kinda scare me, other things have been happening a bit.

I have decided to make my Etsy shop into a custom orders only sort of a thing. I want it to go back to being more of a hobby that I do once in a while instead of constantly making things. The random things that I’ve made haven’t been selling, and that’s ok. It has been a fun learning experience. I don’t need to close my shop, right now, since I can just leave my listings where they are and simply not add more. I like doing it, but it has also been nice not having to do it, if that makes sense. I have gifts to make for the holidays, then I may close my shop after that. We’ll see how it goes. I will still make things for people, and they will be nice gifts. Luckily my husband and I don’t rely on my Etsy shop for income, so it’s totally fine if it becomes more of a hobby instead.

I have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist in about a month. I know it’s a whole month away, but I’m preparing. I’ll be discussing with my therapist the things that I need to talk to my new doctor about at our first meeting. The most important things, symptoms, side effects, hopes, expectations, and all that. I hope my new doctor will be a good fit for me. I have a feeling in my gut that it will be good.

Until next time,

Much love,

~kiti

4 thoughts on “I’m afraid but I do it anyway

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