A date with paranoia

This morning my paranoia was in full swing. I knew we needed to go grocery shopping today – and I was to be dragged along. In no way was I looking forward to this outing. It was time for another date with my paranoia.

My husband hugged me before I got much more dressed for the day than I was. When he pulled away he looked me in the eye and held out his raised pinky finger, and said “it will be fine, no one is out to get you, I promise”. His kind smile is normally so reassuring, but I wasn’t willing to pinky promise (something sacred in our relationship) to something I wholeheartedly did not believe to be true. He rephrased and said that it was his promise to me that everything would be fine. Reluctantly I dressed myself.

My leg bounced as I rode in the passenger seat, I didn’t feel prepared…but would I ever be? We made sure to go out early to avoid any crowds of people at our local Walmart, and to avoid long lines and all that. When we arrived I almost didn’t get out of our car. Somehow my skeleton and muscles got me up, and soon we were walking to the entrance. He took my hand in mine, firmly held it and gave it a couple of gentle squeezes. He knew how hard this was going to be for me. He knows how my paranoia can cripple me sometimes. He would be my strength this morning.

Throughout our shopping experience I felt stiff, slightly hunched over, shoulders raised a bit, hands gripping the shopping cart. I felt like I was going to cry, my mouth was dry. He walked calmly beside me and put his hand on my back and rubbed, letting me know he was there for me, several times. It was reassuring, even though the paranoia was so intense. He smiled at me warmly, kindly, calmly. He is my rock and soft landing place.

The shopping felt like it took forever, but at the same time it was over before I knew it. Uneventful. Calm. Collected. Anticlimactic. My head was raging at me. How dare I get shopping done? Don’t you know people are dangerous? Oh. I know. Every cell in my body screams that people are unpredictable and therefore something to be feared. But…nothing happened. Just like it is with most outings, nothing eventful happens save for someone nearly hitting us on the highway once in a while. Yet the madness within me spikes and shouts “danger!” whenever I think about going out.

It was about time I had another date with my paranoia. It has been a minute since my last, and I knew it was coming up sometime. I am not sure why this all happens. It’s just a recurring phenomenon that is a part of my madness.

I’m attempting to be more curious about it, and try to work with it DBT-style. DBT isn’t helping just yet, but I’m trying to practice often. I’m learning about awareness and acceptance, self-soothing and allowing emotions to come and go. Nothing in this life is permanent – which means the bad can, and eventually will, subside even if only a little bit. There’s hope.

I am looking forward to my first meeting with my psychiatrist. I have hope that he will be a good fit for me, and I have a good feeling about him. I hope that this gut feeling I am having is correct.

After coming home I was immediately relieved and exhausted. I attempted to take a nap, but my brain was too loud and wouldn’t shut up, and I couldn’t. It was nice laying down under a soft blanket with my eyes closed, paying attention to my breathing.


A couple of my newly finished pendants I needed to keep for myself

I spent around two hours today taking photos of my newest products for my shop, and exporting them to my PC’s folder and to my phone. It was a decent amount of work, but I’m glad I got that chunk of the work done. The next large chunk of work will be listing all of them. I have twenty three pendants and two coaster sets to list. I’ll probably break that project into smaller pieces, since that alone will probably take even longer to do than taking and exporting photos. I’m thinking I’ll list five pendants at a time then get up and do something else for a bit. I don’t think I’ll work on that today, I’m exhausted, but I might. Tomorrow will be a great day to list them since my husband works his double shift. A good day to be productive.

The other one I needed to keep for myself. Rainbow!

The day feels better now, and I’m glad.

Hope you all are having a good day.

~kiti

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