“New” anxieties – realizations

I don’t have a whole lot going on in my life lately, yet my days feel full. Weird, isn’t it? I suppose there are a lot of things I have been doing, but it all seems like mostly usual stuff. I haven’t felt very inspired to write lately, so I’ll give it a go today.

My mom bought me new silicone molds for jewelry making as well as another set of hexagon coaster molds. I can now make two coaster sets at once, which is awesome. I also have a wider variety of jewelry making options and I can expand on the items I sell. These jewelry mold trays are wonderful and have a lot of really neat shapes. My last resin pour using them was a success and I can’t wait to get them finished in a few days. That has been exciting. I’m wanting to do another pour soon, but probably just a couple of coaster sets. I have a lot of jewelry already listed in my shop and now I have a lot more to finish and list. I’m gonna cool it on the jewelry for a little bit, even though it is so satisfying to create. My pours lately have been taking me around two hours or so each, but that is when I make both coaster sets as well as the jewelry. Hopefully I’ll be able to cut down on that time a little if I only pour coasters. My mom also bought me a lovely three pack of different greens that I am excited to receive and try out. The green I have now is basically “green”. It looks more blue than anything, despite saying “rainforest green” on the bottle.

I have been expanding on my silk fan skills and it has been so fun. I’m playing with my new hoop a decent amount as well, and I’m having a tough time getting my body to cooperate and do some specific things. It’s all fun, though, even when it is frustrating. I am practicing more with my fans than my hoop, in general, and I’m loving my new flow art. I got the shipping notification this afternoon for my new set of fans. I’m looking forward to receiving them.

I bought myself an actual fanny pack. It arrived in the mail today, and I think I like it. Yes, I am one of those dorks. I had a leather festival belt for the longest time that I bought on Etsy. I’ve lost a decent amount of weight since I started using it, so now it sags way down on my hips. I started wearing dresses and skirts again, which of course have no pockets to speak of, and I need to be able to hold onto my shit somehow. The leather pack was also heavier and was tugging my dresses down, and that was uncomfortable. This one fits better, as it is completely adjustable, and the capacity is pretty decent. I bought a slimmer one on purpose, but yeah it’s definitely still a fanny pack haha.

I realized I’ve been having more anxiety lately and I’ve been having mild to moderate panic attacks. I wonder if this is occuring because I’ve been so busy with life lately, or it it’s simply my brain doing whatever the hell it feels like. I’m going to go with a little of both. I spoke with my therapist about it, and I’m starting up DBT again. I’m also taking other measures to ensure I’m getting as much self care as I can, in between my busyness. I might start taking my Klonopin a little more again to help with the random anxiety. I’ve been taking a very small dose, but it has been potent since I don’t take it daily (or even close to daily).

I have high anxiety, and even feel panic, when I go into stores. Crowds have never been my thing, both outdoors and indoors, I just can’t handle being around so many people. I’ve noticed that even when stores are not packed, I still experience high anxiety just from being out doing some shopping. I basically won’t go out alone if I can avoid it – and I try at all costs – and I feel like I need to be with my husband or another safe and trusted family member. I’ve never enjoyed shopping, whether it be for groceries or clothes (especially clothes) or gifts. I have always been at least moderately uncomfortable out in public spaces, especially when the public is involved.

I love being at my house. I love my outdoor space at home. I enjoy going to outdoor spaces – with my husband – like the lake. There are a bunch of situations in the outside world that bring me anxiety and make me pretty damn uncomfortable – being in a car, being on the highway, public transportation, airplanes, any store, and most public spaces. Sometimes when I go out I wonder why I ever left home. I always feel relieved when we get back to our house after shopping, and I feel like I can breathe and let my guard down again. Other humans are…unpredictable…in nature and that alone freaks me out. Not to mention my paranoia ramping up randomly.

I’m adding these particular anxieties to the list of things I want to speak with my new psychiatrist about. I’ll be talking with him later next month and next month seems far away right now. I am super grateful that I am getting to see him, though, and I’m looking forward to meeting him. I see my therapist weekly, and that is so helpful, so I’ll be able to wait to see my new psychiatrist.

So yeah, that has basically summed up my last few days. Hope you all are having a good one.

Stay insane, friends


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