Not entirely sure what this post is about, but here we go!
It’s August 1st. Welcome to August, the eighth month in the year. Is it just me, or did July feel like another one of those longest-month-ever sort of a thing?
I have been quite busy lately, and it is catching up with me. I forget about my spoons, that I have only so many in a given day or week, and I keep spending them all day after day. I haven’t been feeling a spike in energy lately, or anything, but I’ve been doing more and more. I’m exhausted, spent, wiped out, and all those other phrases and words that describe exhaustion. Sometimes it has been my brain that is just so awake and demanding of my attention. It demands my body follow along with its spur of the moment motivations and racing thoughts. I have been trying to give my brain what it wants and needs. I said in my last post that self-care has become very important to me again. It seems like something I’m not doing as a part of my self-care, right now, is to take breaks – like actual, physical and mental breaks. I normally take a nap during the afternoon. Before I sleep, I meditate and do a grounding exercise which helps me to relax. I’ve been taking time to nap when I need it, but I realize that I am so damn tired that naps don’t even help. Sleeping in any way, whether it be at night or during the day in nap-form, doesn’t help. I never feel rested and ready for the day. I don’t have insomnia, I usually fall asleep fairly quickly, and (according to my Fitbit) I get pretty decent sleep usually. My spoons never truly feel like they are full. It feels like I always have one or two already spent by the time I get out of bed in the morning, which can be very frustrating. Luckily, there is coffee in my life.
I have been working hard in various aspects of my life lately, and I think I might need to just be for a little bit. While this sounds like a good plan in theory, it doesn’t work out so well in practice. If I allow myself to simply be, if I allow myself to do nothing when I need to do nothing, I tend to become depressed because I’m not “being productive”. I understand this is flawed thinking. I know just because I’m not being physically productive, that doesn’t mean I’m not still being productive in some way. Society has shaped me to be this way. The old phrase “productive member of society” comes to mind, and it haunts me. I am on disability, and am seen by the government, and others, as a non-productive member of society. This is also deeply flawed thinking. I have important jobs to take care of, even if it isn’t going to a job site and working eight hours per day and five days per week. I digress. Even if I’m not being physically productive by taking care of household tasks or doing another physical activity for fun, I am trying to spend time taking care of my mental health.
Doing all of this stuff is wearing me down. I feel stretched thin. Maybe some sleep tonight will help, and I won’t wake up feeling exactly the way I do now.
Stay insane, friends