A long post ahead.
I haven’t written in a few days, as I just haven’t quite felt inspired. I was also doing a lot of thinking and self-exploration, digging deep into my consciousness and figuring out what is most important to me in this life.
Two days ago, I was considering giving up on my Etsy shop. I was worried that shop expenses were going to become more than what my revenue is. I was also going through a bit of a creative rut; I didn’t feel much like resin pouring and keeping up my shop. With my symptoms lately, such as high anxiety for little reason – as well as intense interest in other, new, hobbies – my shop on top of that felt overwhelming. Images and thoughts began popping up, voices suggesting different things to me and inserting thoughts I didn’t wish to think. Clear out your desk, put all your resin craft supplies in boxes…this isn’t worth it…it can become your new computer desk; think of the possibilities. They said to me. I started going along with it – obsessive thinking in full swing – emotions were high and negative.
To be clear, I love my shop. I truly enjoy making things for others that they will love. I was saddened and distressed that I was thinking about giving up that spark if joy in my life. My husband gave me some ideas to help me feel a little less stressed about the shop. It didn’t exactly help, but I took his ideas into serious consideration. Later on that day I felt inspired again.
I looked inward at myself and my insecurities and said “no, we’re going to keep going”. I love my little “job”, my little business makes me feel more fulfillment than I already do in life. It offers a different type of fulfillment, one I can’t quite pinpoint. Maybe it’s because the work is rewarding, like seeing my flowers blooming after careful and loving care. I pour my heart and creativity into my resin art. Sending my art to their new homes is almost like giving a piece of me away. A little bit of my joy to the new owner.
With my attitude of “keep going”, I decided to take photos of my finished projects. You know, ones I had finished a week or so ago and was finally getting around to taking pictures. I’m not beating myself up about that, just finding some humor in it. Sometimes I need little breaks from hobbies and life in order to feel ready to do them again. I took all the pictures I wanted, but I wasn’t satisfied with them. I needed to use my tripod instead of hand-held in order to get crisper shots. I also don’t have a macro lens for my camera, so I couldn’t get those close up shots that I really wanted.
My husband showed me how to use his tripod, camera, and macro lens, to take the pictures I actually wanted. I did that yesterday. I took all the pictures again, and they turned out wonderful right away. It was also a much easier and faster process. I’m looking forward to having a macro lens of my own.
Overall my “keep going” attitude got me where I wanted, and needed, to be. I felt excited about my shop again. My husband had new ideas for listings that excited me and might make my life a little easier. I will probably mess around with that stuff today. So I am glad to say that I feel good about my shop again.
I have decided that I want self-care to be a priority again. I don’t want to bury the past anymore, as it tends to fog up my present and future. I have PTSD. Life has thrown me for many loops, as life tends to do. Some things become trauma while others do not. The definition of trauma is: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Many things can fall under this definition, and each trauma is unique to those who experience it. The point here is that I am now ready to deal with my past traumas and current/future anxieties. I got a workbook on my Kindle app which is a DBT approach for PTSD. I plan to dive into that. Self-care is important to me again. I wish to be in the present moment, and not so stuck in the past that my life is clouded by it.
I have a running task list in an app on my phone that helps keep my days more or less on track. In my app I made a separate tag for self-care and added a few things to it. I included simple things such as showering daily and brushing my teeth twice daily. I’ll be honest, I went a few weeks only showering two times in a week and brushing my teeth maybe once per day. Feeling clean inside and out helps me feel a little better about myself, if only just for the sake of being clean. I also added daily meditation and my favorite grounding exercise. I have working on DBT on my list, too. And, of course, my flow arts is on there as well. I think I have a decent plan in place. I’m going to try and fit all of this in on top of my daily chores and things. Should be able to do it. It’s good for me to be busy rather than not. That’s my plan and I’m going to try to stick to it.
I had a success the other day. I set up my camcorder to record some of my silk fan flow and hoop dance flow. It actually helped with my paranoia. I always think there are cameras lining our trees in our backyard, so for some reason it helped having a camera that I could physically see. I suppose I’m becoming a little less camera shy, too, which is nice. I can more easily get into my flow state with the camera rolling. I’m planning to try taking video with my Sony a6000 camera because it will take higher quality video than my camcorder. Maybe I’ll give it a go today.
Today is my husband’s double shift, and I’m glad I have a decent amount of things to do today. It helps pass the time. I have had my coffee and I feel a little more awake and ready for the day.
Hope you all have a good one.
Stay insane, friends