A small meltdown, but a good day

I had a little meltdown so far this morning. I smoked a little and talked it out with my husband. Today is his last day off for the next six or seven days, so we are spending it together and just having a chill day. After smoking some and talking things through, he went and helped me take care of all our plants. He took some pictures of my wildflowers and my other plants. It always makes me feel good that he finds my flowers beautiful, like I do. Taking care of my plants every morning always brightens my mood. We took care of our pot plants together, and that was nice as well. All my plants are looking so happy and healthy, and that makes me happy that I’m able to take good care of them.

So I melted down for a little bit this morning. Yesterday was emotional and stressful. I figured I would cry at some point and have a bit of an anxiety attack. My husband had some more good ideas for my Etsy shop, and apparently it was just too much for me to think about right away this morning. The panic started coming on – I was shaky and anxious all of a sudden. Normally I am happy to hear his new thoughts and ideas for my shop, so this anxiety came as a surprise. I switched on my computer and began checking things like my email and attempted to distract myself from the growing panic. I finally moved my keyboard out of the way and put my forehead to the surface of my desk. I tried a little meditation, some mindful breathing. The emotions welled up within me and threatened to explode.

I was stressing about switching medication providers, and I was emotional from the stress of starting that process yesterday. It was also emotional when my current provider called me to apologize for making me uncomfortable, even though she had it completely wrong. It was difficult talking with her directly, and I would have rather not, but it was also nice to get a little closure. Now I’m dealing with the anxiety of hoping to find a new provider soon, as well as hoping they will be a good fit for me. I am waiting for the phone call from my NP’s office telling me that they’ve found me someone to see, and that they want to schedule an appointment. I pray that this happens soon. I don’t really expect to hear from them for a few days at least. The whole situation is on my mind and weighing heavy in my heart.

I was stressing hard about my Etsy shop this morning when my husband mentioned a couple of new ideas that he has. I don’t know why I was feeling so overwhelmed by his new (but very good!) ideas. Usually I completely welcome his thoughts and suggestions. I think that the combination of things that transpired yesterday, plus having another fairly busy day, and the fact that I hadn’t had enough coffee to have these conversations yet, all piled on top of each other and overwhelmed me. Opening my shop has been a joy, and I am happy to be able to share my art with others. It has also been a lot more work than I anticipated. It has been keeping me so busy, and I’m not used to being this busy. It has been stressful, but also a good stress.

After I lifted my head from my desk, I sat and stared around while continuing my breathing exercise. My husband could tell something was bothering me and suggested I smoke a little. As he packed the pipe, the tears welled up in my eyes. As he handed me the pipe, my voice wavered as I said “thank you”. The tears flowed. I took a few hits and talked to him about what was bothering me in between each hit. We talked for a little while, and I was able to get all of my frustrations out. After talking, smoking, and relaxing, I started feeling better. We then took care of our plants together. Seeing my flowers and other happy plants was the icing on the feel-good cake.

I think it’s going to turn out to be an alright sort of a day.


I’m going to start taking some belly dancing classes, and I’m really excited. My mom is buying me the classes, and I can’t wait to start dancing. I’ve taken belly dance classes in the past, and I really loved it. I wasn’t able to get too into it the first time I went to classes because life got complicated and I wasn’t able to go to many. I have a beautiful hip scarf, blue with leopard print (of course), and I can’t wait to use it again. I’m planning on two classes per week, and I’m very excited. I’m happy that the classes are being offered via Zoom right now, because I am not sure I would be able to drive to and from the studio twice per week to attend classes at this point. Driving is still a little challenging for me, and the freeway stresses me out quite a bit – even when I’m a passenger. I am so happy they are offering virtual classes. I’m kind of hoping they continue doing this.

I’m thinking that my hoop dancing has helped me unlock some new movement in my body that I can put toward good use in my belly dancing classes. I am also sure that my classes will help me with my hoop dance flow, and also my veil fan flow. Read more about what hoop dance and flow arts are about in my flow arts journey post. I think fan flow is going to be really cool for me, and I have a feeling it might awaken the divine feminine in me. People of all genders use veil fans in flow, but I have a certain feeling when it comes to me personally. I believe belly dancing will do this for me as well.

I am 1000% stalking my USPS tracking for my flow art toys, about every 20 minutes or so, hoping for an update and estimated shipping date. That’s just what I do when I am super excited to receive a package or two in the mail – I stalk the tracking non stop. No updates yet, aside from my packages being in pre-shipment. Patience is not one of my strong points.

I hope you all have a good day.

Stay insane, friends

~kiti

2 thoughts on “A small meltdown, but a good day

  1. I hope you get a call soon to figure out a new provider! I know what it’s like to wait for important calls right now. I have little patience for it. I’m glad the day seems to be improving for you. Belly dancing classes sound fun! I’m so happy for you! I hope your USPS package comes soon! Love and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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