Get ready for a super long post.
Good morning all. It is pouring rain, with hail and thunder and lightning. I slept in a decent amount again this morning, and once again could have slept longer. Looks like I’m still wiped from my 27 things I did a couple of days ago. I kind of expected this to happen, as I don’t do nearly that much in one day hardly ever. It was more than a lot. I usually experience a decent amount of tiredness and fatigue, so I normally can’t get much accomplished in one day.
So, I’m heavily considering changing my medication provider. In fact, I am going to be seriously looking into it today. There are several reasons for wanting to change. I would also love to be under the care of a psychiatrist. My nurse practitioner who is now my psych medication provider was pretty great in the beginning. She is well trained in psychiatric medicine with three different Master’s degrees. I loved her for a while but for the past several months I have become increasingly uncomfortable, to say the least. I have been seeing her for well over one year, and I finally think it’s time for a change.
First of all, she keeps bringing up me going back to work. “Have you thought about going back to work?” she asked me one appointment several months back, after I had just told her about feeling suicidal and extremely unbalanced. It came out of nowhere. She has mentioned something about working at nearly every one of our appointments together since then, saying things like, “You need to learn how to deal with your life” and “Going back to work should be a goal for you”. Mind you, this is after having opened up about my psychosis, not being able to drive due to derealization, paranoia, and anxiety. Oh and after increasing my Abilify because the hallucinations and delusions were getting so unmanageable. This is also after she said I definitely had Schizophrenia, which just one week later she said she thought I don’t actually have.
I am very concerned that she might report to the state that I’m no longer disabled. This would be a disaster on so many levels for me and my husband, and thus my family as well. I am nine months away from my student loans being forgiven. We cannot afford to be over $30,000 in debt again. I would be forced to find work, I would lose my health insurance. My husband would be forced to find a different job that hopefully pays better, if possible. And of course I would lose my benefits, which go entirely to paying bills every month. In short, we would be f’ing screwed.
I’ve been on SSDI for about the last seven years. Being on disability is one of the sole reasons why I have gotten to the point that I’m at today. I’ve lost jobs, more than a few of them, because of my illness. I had to drop out of college because of my illness. I could not work any longer because of my illness. And guess what? I am still disabled. To this day I struggle daily with getting things done around my house, and am overall generally unbalanced emotionally. I also have physical symptoms that can tend to keep me from doing what I need to do. I take life one day at a time. I cannot stress enough that I’m still disabled. My husband knows, and tells me, that I definitely can’t and shouldn’t work anytime soon because of my illness. I agree with him 100%.
Another big thing that is driving me to switch away from her is how she fills out my treatment plan. She says I see her for depression and anxiety, and does not list any of the other major things that I struggle with. Do the paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, derealization, sometimes severe side effects of the meds I have to be on, not matter? Don’t get me wrong, depression and anxiety alone are extremely difficult for myself and many others to deal with. However, those are far from being the only reasons I am seeing her.
I’ve been seeing her for we over a year and she still can’t come up with a diagnosis for me. My therapist stated in our appointment yesterday that I “definitely have PTSD and fit pretty squarely into Schizoaffective Disorder”. My nurse practitioner says I’m “tricky” and “hard to diagnose”. Why? I’m completely 100% honest with her about what I go through, explicitly so. No hinting, no nuances. Just plain facts. Not to be rude here…but shouldn’t someone with three Master’s degrees and many years of experience in mental health be able to diagnose someone within a year?
She’s also fairly inaccessible in between appointments. I need to call and leave a message for her assistant, then he calls me back if he feels he needs to, then he relays the message to my NP, then maybe she calls me back in a few days. There’s no other way for me to contact her. I only see her once per month for 30 minutes, and sometimes it’s longer than one month. A whole month’s worth of madness is way too much to pack into 30 minutes once per month.
Ugh. So I’m frustrated, nervous, scared, and feeling stuck. My intent is to find a new provider, preferably a psychiatrist, if any providers are accepting new patients anytime soon. I have been in the mental health system for a long time now, about 15 years or so, and I’m not willing to put up with stuff like this. I’m just not.
Aside from that stuff, (whew that was a lot!), it’s my husband’s day off finally. We have a few things that need to be done, but other than that, it will probably be a chill day which we are both happy about.
Hope you all have a good day.
Stay insane, friends