Today is one of my husband’s days off, and we have a pretty decent amount of stuff to do today. I feel more ready for it this morning than I did yesterday, which is good. Yesterday and the day before were pretty bad days, but today is looking brighter so far.
Yesterday I had therapy in the late morning, and that went very well. My therapist is great, and I feel like we really connect. It was nice talking with her, and she helped me figure some things out. I’ve been feeling quite low these last few days, and it has been kinda scary and it has felt like I’m losing control. She helped me formulate a plan for the next few days. I increased my Abilify again yesterday morning. I couldn’t tolerate the amount of depression, and apathy towards life, that I was experiencing. At my husband’s and my therapist’s suggestion I’ll probably stay at the 25 mg dose. They both made the point that if I feel stable at this dose, there’s no reason to continue messing with it. I agree. Overall I do feel safe, and I’m beginning to feel a little better. With the help of those around me, and the determination I have within myself, I think I’ll be ok.
Part of my self care is to get outside and hoop dance. Not only does this allow for creative expression through dance, but it also gets my heart pumping. It also helps with my paranoid delusions, oddly enough. It’s like immersion therapy for me to get myself outside (where of course there are cameras in the tree line of our backyard, people are listening in, and watching my every move). If I get myself outside and try and laugh off my paranoia (having a sense of humor about it helps me quite a bit), then I feel a little better. I find myself thinking, so what if they’re watching me? They’ll get to see an out of shape, out of breath, individual attempting hoop dance and they’ll get to listen to Panic! At The Disco. Lucky them! When the paranoia crops up, inevitably, I do some deep breathing and try to laugh out loud. I still have the firm belief that I’m being watched and listened to, but at least I know they’re watching something rather silly. Which is funny to me. I’m hoping to hoop more today since it will be warm and not raining. The sun is attempting to shine through the clouds.
I find myself wanting yet another hoop. Yes, I already have many hoops and I use maybe three or four of them. I want one better suited for travel, another sectional but with shorter sections, since I’m planning to visit my family in October. I’m pretty certain my husband will not buy me another hoop. We’ll see. The answer will always be “no” if I don’t even bother to ask. Maybe a seventh wedding anniversary gift?
I spoke with my dad yesterday and he seems to be doing alright. I’m so grateful he doesn’t need to be in the hospital and can stay at home with his wife. It’s scary how you can be so careful and still catch coronavirus. I have more hope that he will be ok. He seemed more like himself when we talked yesterday, and I’m grateful for that.
I had a lovely talk with my mom yesterday afternoon as well. She had some wisdom to share about worrying. She suggested a few ways to help my brain compartmentalize the things I feel overwhelmed by. It was very helpful. I love my mom and miss her dearly. I wish I could give her more comfort during these rough times.
I should start my day soon, and I hope you all have a good one.
Stay insane, friends