It’s 7:00 AM and I’m already feeling like garbage. I’m looking ahead at my day and wondering, what’s the point? I am glad I have therapy later this morning. Zoom is pretty awesome, and I’m grateful for being able to have a more or less in person appointment.
Life is throwing curve balls at me again. It is both interesting and irritating how various things pile up at once. To begin with, I am already feeling rather hormonal (it’s about that time for Mother Nature’s visit)…you know the deal. I’ve gone through med changes and adjustments lately, which have both balanced and unbalanced me – depression, hypomania, psychotic symptoms. I’ve been having a ton of back and forth thinking about projects and things I want to accomplish in life.
Aside from those things, I found out yesterday that my dad has coronavirus. He says not to worry about him. “Don’t worry about this old bird” he says – but of course I worry, I worry about everyone. Luckily he seems to have a more mild case at the moment, but it’s still kicking his butt. His lovely wife is going to get tested soon as well. They’re under quarantine now. I’m grateful he doesn’t need to be hospitalized right now, and I hope it stays that way.
Another thing from yesterday is that my husband might need to start working six days per week, with an additional double shift or two, and also staying a half an hour to an hour later when he closes (which is basically every shift). There’s a big possiblity that a full time employee might be getting fired soon, so my husband and the other manager will need to pick up slack. This is far from what I wanted to hear last night. Plus I found out that during the winter this year things will probably be a lot different as well. I can clearly see that the extra hours probably need to happen for him, and logically it makes sense. In my emotional brain, I’m falling apart. My time with him is very important to me. There is never a time when I don’t look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.
I hit a low last night, and yesterday ended up being a rollercoaster as far as mood goes. My anxiety spiked and depression skyrocketed. The morning with my husband was so awesome, before he went to work. Then I found out about my dad, so I decided to hoop dance to get my mind off of it for a little bit. I blasted my music, I practiced moves I haven’t been able to do in the past, I was dripping sweat by the time I was done. I finally unlocked new movement in my upper body, I got the move down that I’ve been trying to get for a long time. I felt on top of the world. As I lay on the ground, completely out of breath, I know I had a giant goofy smile on my face. Let’s just say the cold shower afterwards was divine. Then the news of my husband’s work stuff dropped and I was plunged deep into depression. It got pretty bad. I wished that I could cry it out, but no tears came.
After my husband came home last night, with a bag of Taco Bell and a couple of yummy things for me, we cuddled and talked. I understand his work stuff is not his fault. He doesn’t want to work six days per week, double shifts, and later shifts. I’m not upset with him in any way. The situation just blows. The uncertainty is also nagging at me, because that other employee might not get fired. It’s just a very real possibility at this point. Uncertainty drives me totally up the wall. We talked and he held me, which felt so good and healing. He works again today, but I’m glad he has tomorrow off.
So there’s that stuff. I am also grateful because I know life could be so much worse. I’m grateful that my husband has his job, he’s able to work, and there’s a possible opportunity to earn some more money during this time. I’m lucky, really. I’m trying to cling to that little bit of optimism, and hope that things will get better. I will hoop more today, I think. I need the endorphins and the satisfaction of doing something right.
Hope you all have a great day!
Stay insane, friends