“I don’t want to talk about jobs all the time,” he said to me, “it’s stressing me out”. I immediately felt bad. The last thing I wish to do is stress him out more. He already has enough on his plate, and I don’t want to add to it. I understand the anxiety that goes along with job hunting and possible career changes. I’ll do my best to let my husband come to me with new information instead of making this a daily conversation.
I admit that I feel guilty. My husband works so hard every day, and I feel like I do nothing in comparison. I know it is never the best idea to compare ourselves to others, but I can’t help it at times. I am disabled, and I might always have the same struggles as I do now or something similar – perhaps worse, perhaps better. We’ll never know what awaits us in the future. He is always saying that I need to give myself more credit, because I keep our household running as smoothly as possible. I honestly love the housework that I do every day, and it bums me out when I’m not able to keep up with my usual tasks. Whether it’s symptoms or side effects getting me down, I still expect excellence from myself and I feel like a failure when I don’t achieve what I’ve set out to do. I know this is flawed thinking, there are no doubts in my mind about that, but I often indulge in these self-destructive thoughts. I’m useless, I’m worthless, I’m not good enough, I don’t do enough, I’m pathetic, I’m a failure in life. I would rather not think these things about myself, and I try to combat these thought (and the feelings associated with them) with positive self-talk and acknowledging the things that I do right. Honestly I do a lot of things right, and I try very hard in life.
Still I can’t help but say this shit to myself and feel like shit in turn, because of it. It’s not healthy, and I try to stop myself. Old habits die hard. I always feel like I should be doing more, being more. If I could have gotten through college and had the career I wanted, would I actually have turned out happier? The reality is – I don’t think so. There are far too many what-if’s bouncing around in my head a lot of the time. I feel guilty and like I’m less-than because I can’t work or do the pRoDuCtIvE sOciEtY stuff that “normal” people do. Societal norms and guilt around not fitting into those norms is real. It’s also quite painful at times. The fact of the matter is that I might be on disability for the rest of my life. I have shown a lot of improvement over the last few years, but the reality is that I’m nowhere near ready for any kind of work outside of my home. This is your life right now, and it’s perfectly fine the way it is. I just need to repeat that to myself as often as I can. Radical acceptance; it truly does help. What I know I need to do is focus on the present. Breath. I practice gratitude daily, and that has proven helpful. In truth I am grateful for my life the way it is now, and for the way it has been for a while now. What matters is that I’m happy about my life.
What are you grateful for today?
I have a decent amount of stuff I need to do today. I’m planning on a few chores, as well as drying and freezing some herbs. I seriously need to prune my basil, dill, and parsley. I’ll be freezing my basil in order to make fresh pesto soon. That’s exciting. I don’t have enough basil to make a large amount of pesto, yet, but I need to start somewhere. The dill and parsley will be dried in our dehydrator. I’ll definitely need to clean up that area before using the dehydrator, though, since it hasn’t been used in quite some time. Obviously things have piled up in front of it, as per standard protocol.
One bit of very exciting news I have is that my little orchid (mini phalaenopsis) is growing a new flower stalk. I am beyond thrilled (and quite surprised) because I did not expect another bloom cycle for quite a few months. Since I bought the orchid when all the flowers were dead and basically falling off, I have zero idea of what the blooms will look like. My good friends and I are betting on some combination of purple and white. I love a good flower surprise.
Aside from my orchid excitement, I am shifting around some other flowers in my grow tent. My black hollyhock is getting so large, bushy and will get very tall, so I’m going to get a nice large flower pot and place her outside in a sunny location. She will be happy there, and will be able to grow as tall as she desires. Apparently hollyhock can grow up over six feet tall, which I was definitely unaware of when I planted the seeds in my two foot by three foot grow tent along with several other plants. Mistakes were made, but she is very well established and will grow nice and healthy outdoors. I’ll probably move my miniature rose bush back into my tent, since the mildew issue has been taken care of, thanks to the spray treatment. I also transplanted my very dense ball, of a ton, of snapdragon seedlings into the larger container this morning. The wildflowers are looking great, and I’m excited to see which other kinds of flowers pop out of which plant. There are currently a decent amount of very small white flowers, maybe not even a quarter inch across, and they are quite fragrant. My lovely salmon colored daisy is thriving. My daisy was another plant I bought with all the blooms completely dead and falling off. I wish I could send before and after photos to the cashier who rang up the orchid and gerbera daisy. I ended up tossing out my lavender, which was my only plant that was not doing well in that environment. Overall, I’m very proud of my herb and flower garden. Can you tell?
What are you proud of today?
Stay insane, friends