Today will be a day of basically nothing – I’m hoping, since depression and exhaustion are hitting me hard today. Yesterday, while it was fun being in a hypomanic state, was exhausting. By the time the evening rolled around, I was spent. Done. Ready for the day to end. I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I found myself staring off into nothingness, completely unable to keep myself entertained for much longer than a few minutes at a time. I was able to stay awake until about 9:00 PM, which was great. Normally I like to stay up until around 9:30-10:00, but at least I was able to keep my eyes open for about an hour later than the night before. I’ll count that as a win.
Sleep came easy, but rest did not. It felt like a restless night, and was filled with strange dreams – which of course led to coughing and profuse sweating. Sometimes, no matter how exhausted I am, I just can’t seem to get decent sleep. Each day I wake up feeling essentially the same as when I went to bed the night before. Perpetual exhaustion – it’s part of the joy of madness.
I awoke to my husband giving me a sweet little kiss. I didn’t want to wake up, and I felt rather disoriented. The 6:30 AM alarm on my watch vibrated on my wrist, and my brain told me instead that I had reached my step goal already today, instead of a wake up signal. I snoozed a few times. After about the third sweet little kiss from my husband, I decided to force myself to wake up. I’ve had to force myself to wake for the last several days, which probably leads to the feelings of exhaustion. When I sat up, I realized he had brought me coffee, who knows how long ago. It was still kind of warm, and before I got myself to my feet I slugged down at least half the cup. The day had begun.
I sat for a while, staring off into space and wondering what to do with myself. My husband had started playing the new downloadable content for a game we’ve been playing together. He pulled the left side of his headset away from his ear and said some sort of good morning, with a smile. I was surprised to see him awake much sooner than I. Ninety nine percent of the time, it’s the other way around. The derealization was flooding in quickly after having woken up feeling rather disoriented.
Time had passed so slowly yesterday, during my hypomania. The world was slow, everyone around me was slow. I know I was working on my chores at a pace that I can usually never attain. In my early morning dreams, the day was already done. Strange how that happens. Time seems a little more normal paced today, if not a little fast, which I’m glad for.
I’m thinking about the future today. I want to open an Etsy shop, but am experiencing feelings of inadequacy at the same time. I love making resin art, and in order to keep doing it I will probably need to start selling some things that I make – it needs to be a financially feasible hobby. Supplies for resin art have not been cheap. I want to sell mostly necklaces, and potentially bracelets. I also really love making coasters. I have sold a set of coasters to my aunt so far, as a gift for one of her friends, and that felt really good. People like what I make. I’m worried about all the “what-ifs”. Don’t you just hate those? I feel like at this rate, I’ll never be ready to open my shop. I’ll never have the amount of confidence in myself and my art to sell anything. The best option here is to rip that bandaid off, and open my shop. I have several pendants that I just finished, and I can make a few coaster sets to list. I have a shop name in mind already. I should probably just go for it, soon-ish. The more I think about it, the more I feel inadequate. Maybe don’t think so much, maybe just do. We’ll see.
Another thing I’ve been thinking on is potentially becoming a Peer Support Specialist, in the future. It would probably take a long time for me to get to the point where I feel stable enough to do the training (then there’s the hurtle of getting the job), if I’ll ever be stable enough for that. I don’t have much hope, but I am sort of clinging to the possibility a bit. It gives me a little something to look forward to, even though it’s just an idea. I really think that if I were to be able to work in the future that I want it to be in the field of helping people. I highly doubt that I would be able to go back to school, and I also don’t think I would want any type of career that a traditional college could offer. A degree in psychology would be amazing, but I don’t have the desire to be a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. I feel a college degree isn’t the way I want to go in life. I found a training program to become a Peer Support Specialist in the state I live in, and it seems pretty great. It’s something I might want to do with my life, if I ever get to the point where I am able to.
The bottom line is that I want to try and help other people like me; other people who deal with their own version of madness and pain, like me. I want to be supportive, I want to be there for others. I feel like starting this blog is, in a way, kind of like my first step toward peer support. I have found wonderful, beautiful souls in the blogoshpere who are like me. The support I have found here has made me want to give back. I hope I can get there one day.
If I’m not able to become stable enough to be a Peer Support Specialist, I suppose that’s ok. I will hopefully learn to love life as it is, and ride the waves and currents of my madness.
Stay insane, friends