One shelf

I cleaned up and organized one small shelf today, and the top of the shelf. I wanted to do so much more, but I don’t have the mental capacity to think on organization today, nor do I have the physical energy. There are a lot of things that need to be done around here, that I seriously want to do. Things I need to do for my mental clarity and comfort.

The space we live in is lovely, and quite spacious compared to our last home situation. Wood all over the place, like a cozy cabin, and, as a basement often does, it spans the entire base of our two story house. There are large windows, a door to the backyard, which let in a lot of natural light. There is a nice little bar area where we keep our food, and we have the cutest mini fridge ever. We have all the essentials and comforts of home that we need. My husband’s parents own the house, and they have made it a wonderful place to live. When we made the move with them across the country, they bought a house that would help my husband and me feel comfortable and happy. We now have approximately three times the space of our old studio.

After almost three years of living here, I have not been able to make it as organized, neat, and orderly as I desperately want to. I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know my mental illness over the years, and not only since we moved cross country. Med changes galore, switching doctors, therapists, the like. It has been rough, but I feel things are becoming more stable. I face a lot of challenges, to this day, in my dealings with my brain. Lately, medication adjustments have sapped my energy, and therefore a lot of my usual motivation to accomplish tasks.

I look around at the various little messy spots in our space, and I feel defeated. Why has this cleaning been taking me so long? Why can’t I just get things done? I need to cut myself a bit of slack, because, in actuality, I have done a lot around here within the last few months. This place is a lot nicer looking and organized than it has been since we moved in. Depression does that, though, and all I can see is the negatives – the things that still need to be done, the stuff I’m still not happy with the way it looks/functions. My scumbag brain just nags me, reminding me of that little mess over there; the other pile of things I don’t know what to do with, over there. Perfectionism comes down on me hard.

The want to get things cleaned has been gnawing away at me so much lately. I simply don’t have the energy or the brain space to deal with it. So my brain yells at me and makes me feel bad for not doing all the things. This place is a mess, it whispers, it’s not good enough for you, or for anyone. It has gotten to the point where I believe we need yet more space, when in reality we can easily make this work – and work well.

Hell, even our grow room (tiny storage room) is still a mess after everything I’ve done in there. Yes, it is a rather small space to begin with. Again, I need to cut myself some slack. It used to be that you could barely get into the storage room, much less actually find anything you needed. My husband helped a ton in getting it cleaned up and ready for our indoor grow. I felt great, accomplished. Now I see what little remains on the floor and feel like a failure. There are solutions, we already have them planned. The wait for getting things done is sending my brain for a loop.

I know, I’m going through med adjustments…I need some rest. The amount of resting I need tends to slightly infuriate me. I’ve been told – I am not a patient person. Least of all, with myself. This is something I need to get better at, I could improve my critical, nitpicking outlook on myself. Getting there is easier said than done. I’m hard on myself, I always have been. I expect excellence. Of course, when other people need rest or are having a tough time getting things done, I don’t feel critical toward them. I’d like to be able to treat myself with the same compassion. A work in progress.

So, today, I organized one shelf. I need to feel good about that, instead of beating myself up for what I haven’t done yet. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll organize another shelf. Perhaps a small area that is disorderly. I need to remember that I can do this. I just need to pace myself, listen to my body and mind.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Stay insane, friends

~kiti

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