A bare minimum day

Today is a bare minimum kind of a day. I have been able to get a few things done, but for the most part I’m not sure I’ll be doing much else. I had other chores planned, but plans don’t always see completion. This needs to be ok with me, but it’s just not.

The dark cloud is here today. It feels quite heavy. The depression pushing down on me, surrounding me like high humidity, thickening the air. Drowsiness is sludge in my brain and body, oozing its way around and destroying my want and ability to do anything. Irritability is a staple in today’s emotional landscape. Doing just about anything is annoying me. One of those days where I’d rather give up. Just go back to bed, pull that soft blue blanket over my head, and call it good enough.

You need a nap, my brain and body informed me earlier, you need to rest a bit. So, I curled up on my couch and got comfortable. Scumbag brain went to work, showing me images I didn’t want to see, inserting thoughts I didn’t want to think. Why in the hell did I even lay down? I decided to try some meditation, which calmed me and allowed me to drift off to sleep.

I awoke a little later, wishing to go back to sleep. Once I checked my watch for the time, I demanded my body it wake up. Well, it did, sort of. I instantly knew I was about twice as tired after the nap (the one that my brain/body duo required of me), and I was robbed of any motivation. But I have things I need to do today. Jeez. Looks like it’s going to be one of those days.

Exhaustion is drastically slowing me again, interfering with all aspects of my life. There’s not much I can do about this extreme tired/out of it feeling. At least, a good amount of the time I feel as though I can fight through it. That’s a positive. Today is not one of those days.

I need to learn to be more patient with myself. I’ve been going through medication adjustments, and I know I didn’t sleep well last night. I know I need to cut myself a little slack now and then. I don’t want to. I demand excellence. Perfectionism. It’s another thing I struggle with. Scumbag brain is all too quick to tell me I’ve failed when I don’t complete a task. I then continue by beating myself up, becoming internally black and blue. I know. I know. This doesn’t help me at all. It’s a horrible habit that I hope to break one day. It makes no sense to berate myself for being way too tired to do my normal things.

The logical side of my mind can clearly see this thought pattern and behavior pattern are not good for me and are not healthy. The emotional side always has a “well, yeah, but!”, whenever my logical side says it’s fine to rest if I need to. My mind always feels at war with itself. This war has been going on since I remember, but sometimes the more positive side of me wins the smaller battles.

I have no sense of time when I’m this tired. It slips away, quickly, or it piles up in some dark corner of my mind, trying to force its way through the tiny crevice in the hourglass. Ticking by so slowly. When it feels like at least an hour has gone by, I get a reality check from the clock – maybe fifteen or twenty minutes have passed. The day feels off kilter, out of whack, bizarre.

The derealizaiton is getting to me today. Comes with the territory of being so damn tired. I’m supposed to be a three dimensional object in an equally three dimensional world. I feel paper thin. The world in front of my eyes is basically like watching a movie instead of being reality. Everything seems so still. Even the air molecules don’t feel like they’re dancing their usual dance. There is air flowing through the window, but it just seems like it simply is where it is and not actually moving around the room. These are strange sensations, but they are not foreign to me. I’ve been here many times in my life, and I’ve always hated it. How long will I be stuck here, this time? There’s no telling when this will end. In the past, it has lasted for years at a time. Please don’t let that happen again…I can only beg my brain.

Today is just one of those days. I need to remind myself that I’m actually doing my best. Give yourself a break. I wish it were that easy.

Stay insane, friends

~kiti

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