Welcome back, depression

I’m not sure what I want to write about today, so I’ll just start typing and see what happens.

I have been rather down today, mood wise. I’m not sure why, it just kind of came on all of a sudden earlier this morning. Suddenly, as it tends to do. For me, there’s not much of a gradual building up (or down) to a mood. Occasionally, yes, it is a little slow and gradual. Anything is possible, I suppose. I woke up tired, like I do every day. Nothing different about that. Nightmares, check. Sweating off all my excess water weight in the middle of the night, check.

It must have been something about the way the morning light was flowing into the window, or perhaps the sudden burst of cool air on my skin as I walked past our A.C. unit. Anything could have set the tone for the day. I felt ok, honestly, for the first bit of the morning. Maybe the first 45 minutes. Then the sadness settled in my mind. I could almost feel a little dark cloud forming over my head. Will it rain today, or storm? No telling. I moved on.

Now my brain is feeling sluggish and dulled. I feel like I can’t think. I have no motivation to get anything else done today. My day is a lot of drowsiness and derealization. I’m sleepwalking through life again. Even though I stopped the Wellbutrin, I am still quite tired all the time. Don’t get me wrong, it does seem to be getting better. It must be the mood I’m in. Most of what clouds my eyes is negativity. I can easily see what is going wrong, and it’s more of a challenge to see, and actually acknowledge, what is going right. Hello, depression. Welcome back.

I took a nap a little while ago, because I simply couldn’t stay awake for another minute, and it was basically the opposite of helpful. My husband came in the bedroom and cuddled me, then took my hands in his and drug me to my feet. Blood rushed in my head, and I was wobbly. He held me in an embrace until the lightheaded feelings passed. Soon after, I was putting my pants back on. How do I know I’m not still dreaming? This is a question that invades my mind often. Derealization settling in, making me pissed, making me feel like life itself isn’t real. I tend to wonder what reality even means. I suppose, it means different things to all of us.

I haven’t felt this much derealization in a long while. I would not be able to drive right now, with the way life appears and feels so unreal, so two-dimensional, so flat and dull. I feel shitty about that, because I feel like that part of my life is dwindling away again. Since the increase in my Abilify, I’ve been more tired and out of it. The Wellbutrin was the nasty cherry flavored icing on the weirdly too-sweet strawberry cake. It will take a little time to come back from the medication adjustments. I know this, but I’m frustrated by it nonetheless. It kills me internally when I get too tired to do things I like to do, and too out of it to function. The problem here is, the medication does what it’s supposed to do. The Abilify successfully decreases my psychotic symptoms, by a lot. Now that the Wellbutrin is gone, and has been gone for a few days now, I expected to start feeling better sooner. Oh well. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not the worst thing to be tired and derealized. I’ve dealt with this before, and I can deal with it again. Pep talk.

Even mailing my two packages out this morning made me feel sad, empty even. One of them was a coaster set I had made for my Aunt’s friend, and they turned out very pretty. I stuck a nice little note in there, and wrapped the coasters well. I finished off the necklaces for my mom this morning, added the cord. I wrapped those up nicely, and added a note in her package as well. I thought that sending gifts out would help me feel a little better, but depression says “no” to that thought. I feel as though I am scrambling to find meaning in life today. I’m wishing I had the brain power to think clearly. Luckily, so far today, the little dark cloud above my head has not decided to rain or storm. I count that as a win, even though I still feel like garbage.

I did a small resin pour with my husband today. I decided to try out my new resin that he bought me, which was a lot cheaper than the original resin I bought. I like it. It’s very clear, and not many air bubbles. I am impressed with the instructions that the company sent with the resin. The hardener was a lot less thick than what I’m used to, and I made a small mess the first time I poured it. I’ll get used to it, though. I made a coaster, and I poured a few pendants, the kind that look like crystal points. My husband wanted to embed a screw into one of them and use some of my alcohol ink. It’s going to turn out great. Even during the pour I felt the sadness in my chest. I tried focusing on what I was doing, but it didn’t exactly help. Usually resin pouring takes a lot of my focus, and therefore get a lot of the junk out of my mind for a little while. It was still cool doing it, and I did enjoy experimenting with the new resin, but I was sad. I was even more saddened that I was continuing to be sad through the pouring process. Funny how being sad can make me more sad. As if there are mirrors and magnifying glasses in my head, bouncing the depression around and making it bigger as it goes and taking up more and more of my brain space.

Overall, it’s definitely not a terrible day and I’m just struggling a bit. It’s ok to struggle, it’s ok to be uncomfortable. It just really sucks sometimes. Scumbag brain.

Stay insane, friends

~kiti

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