I want it. I need it.
Crave it with all my soul.
At night, I search and grasp in the darkness.
When I sleep at night, I tend to sleep fairly well.
Not to be confused with being restful.
Nightmares plague me. I toss around.
I sweat bullets.
In one such nightmare, he was torturing me.
I awoke, but only into another dream.
Into the exact same horrifying situation.
My love, my soul, my everything, why would you harm me so?
What is this twisted grin upon your face?
Looking more psychotic than I have felt in a while, with blackened, manic eyes.
Upon actually waking in real life,
What even is reality?
I saw him next to me, sound asleep, breathing soft, the face of resting.
Nights are normally like this, full of terror.
Yet, I need to sleep, I crave sleep.
Even in the daylight, I am as exhausted as I was when I went to bed the night before.
Every minute feels dreamlike, but during the day it’s rarely nightmarish.
My brain playing cruel tricks.
Never waking rested, and having my subconscious wreak havoc nightly,
Does not make me want to sleep.
It cannot be avoided.
I have hardly a prayer of staying awake for an entire day.
Perhaps one day this will change for the better.
Maybe one day I will have rest, in my body, mind, soul.
One day, reality may return to me. One day.
I may not always feel as though I am sleepwalking through my life.
For now, and for a while, this is how it is.
This is how your life is right now, and that’s ok. I tell myself.
Just maybe one day,
I’ll be able to
Stay insane, friends