Having little to no recollection of my past astounds me at times. My husband remembers far more about what I was like in the past than I do. We have been married for almost seven years now. He has a great memory, and apparently I do not. It’s like whole blocks and aspects of my life have vanished long ago. That is one of the challenges I face with mental illness. I am told that I am very self-aware, but I haven’t always been that way. There are key aspects of my life and mental illness that I just don’t recall. It is slightly frightening. I am beyond grateful to have my husband. He tells me like it is, and he reminds me of things that I do not remember. I value his perspective.
Yesterday, I was upset. I was upset about a few things, and it all piled together and became overwhelming. I haven’t had such a stressful day in a while, and the thing is…in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t all that bad. Looking back on yesterday, now, I can understand why I was so upset and I can see that I don’t need to be so upset anymore. I was thrown for a few loops, and I was not prepared. Life happens. I attempt to grow and learn from my experiences, which is hardly ever fun or easy.
I had a chat with my husband this morning, about the conversation I had with N yesterday. He informed me, because I truly don’t recall or realize this, that I have had a ton of mood disturbance in the past. I’ve been manic. I’ve blown all my money on meaningless stuff that I felt I needed at the time. After the mania had run its course, I always regretted the money I spent, the utterly pointless purchases I made. I was exhausted. Coming down from mania is rough. It often led to an episode of depression. Yesterday, I was so convinced that mood has never been my biggest issue. I was wrong, and I’ll completely own up to that. This is one of the reasons I highly value my husband’s perspective from the “outside”. Depression has definitely been a huge part of my life for a long while. Mania has been peppered in, sometimes heavily, and I remember one little snippet of one manic episode I had.
It was several years ago. We were in a restaurant. It was a nice quaint, local place, near where we used to live. I remember feeling elated, excited, jittery, nervous, out of it, terrified, and in a really good mood, all at once. To say the very least, it was a bit much. The only other bit of that memory that I have is constantly asking, “where is my purse??”, it was right next to me, but, “where the hell is my purse!?”. I was convinced someone had taken it, or that I lost it somewhere, even though it continued to stay right there next to me on the cushion of the booth we sat in. I think I may have been hearing things and seeing things. My vision seemed sharper, acute, magnified. Then…I don’t remember anything.
It was a strange experience, indeed. That’s about all I recall of any manic episode I’ve ever had.
Yesterday, while speaking with N, I was convinced that I don’t have a mood disorder whatsoever. I was definitely upset when she said we were possibly thinking “a bipolar disorder” for me. Since I haven’t had mood disturbance in a long while, so how could it be a mood disorder? I don’t remember any of that. Talking with my husband this morning opened my eyes.
I’ve decided I’m not upset anymore. I still don’t remember the manic episodes, but I trust my husband. He wouldn’t lie to me, and he doesn’t bullshit me about my mental health. He says that in the end, it really doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is called. It matters that my symptoms are being treated correctly, and in a way that helps me be more functional. I agree. I would love to have a more solid diagnosis. I’m grateful that N is thinking more about what to call what it is I have going on. She also cares about nailing down a name for my illness. “You’re a tough one to diagnose”, she said, chuckling a little in her usual way. I trust her. I trust she will give me the most accurate diagnosis that she can, and I am willing to receive it, whatever it is. I’m glad I have such an amazing support team and that my symptoms are being treated correctly.
Today is a chill day for us. It is one of my husband’s days off this week, and we are just hanging out. Yesterday was an eventful day for both of us, and not to mention that it felt like the longest day ever. We’ve been tending to the plants, and he has been taking and editing photos, which is therapeutic for both of us. I’m hoping to get some work done on my resin projects. I need to sand and polish a few pendants, and I also need to get that custom order ready to mail out. I had my mom pick out a couple of pendants that I want to give to her as a gift. She’s excited.
Today already feels loads better than yesterday. I feel calmer, more collected, more balanced. I’ve stopped the Wellbutrin, and feel good about that. I have a little more energy, and feel a little more awake. I’m still super out of it, but I think that will get better over time.
Stay insane, friends