Here I sit

Here I sit, staring off into space and attempting to focus. It would appear that vacuuming our small space was too much for me right now, and I’m worn out. Fatigue is weighing heavy on me. It is compressing me, squishing me. I feel like a black hole is forming in my body…compressing down, more and more, until it eventually consumes everything in its path. I ended up calling N to ask her if there is anything that can be done about this drowsiness, fatigue, and totally spaced out feeling I have all the time now. I’m waiting to hear back from her. Trying to be patient. Keyword: trying. I have been informed by my husband, many times, that I am not a patient person. He always smiles when he says this, and I know he’s just poking fun at me. His humor is quick, cynical, and refreshing. He has a response for everything. So, I’m waiting to hear back from N. I’m doing my chores, slowly, and taking breaks when I need to. It is frustrating to be so damn tired. I’m hoping this can change. And, I know, psych meds tend to make people tired, drowsy even. I’d love for this to change, but if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. I’ll learn how to deal with it, and, for your sake, quit bitching so much about it. Ha.

My paranoia has just about gotten to a point where I want to start closing our curtains when it gets dark outside (I know this isn’t an extreme reaction to paranoia, but it’s different and new for me). Then, of course, a voice informs me that, They can see through the curtains. They can tell you are here in your house. They can still watch. I have no idea who “They” are, and I don’t want to find out. I’m sure anyone would tell me that They aren’t real, and I don’t have to worry about Them. I do worry. I feel a sense of dread when I look outside our lovely windows, and darkness stares back at me. It’s as if the darkness itself threatens to snatch me out of my house and tear me to bits. I’ve never been particularly afraid of the dark, even when I was a child. Now that I’m an adult, I am afraid of what I feel is out there, in the dark, watching me and studying my every movement. Deep down, I know it’s paranoia just messing with me. Also, though, deep down I know there’s substance to these fears. Voices tell me there are reasons to be fearful. I hardly want to go outside anymore. I will, don’t get me wrong, but if I don’t have to then I won’t.

I got my cord and polishing compound in the mail today. I’m looking forward to sanding and polishing some of the pendants I made. Then I can make them into adjustable necklaces using the cord. I am thinking that making jewelry is going to become my niche in resin art. I enjoy making coasters, and other little decorative things, but making pendants is so fun. I’m also obsessed with making these little diamond shaped gem things. I want to figure out what I can use those for, because they look so cool. D claimed one, and is planning to make it into a key chain. That’s an idea. I’ve also gotten the coaster order for my Aunt finished, and I need to put the cork backing on them and ship them out soon. They turned out pretty cool. I hope their new owner enjoys using them.

One of the several gems I made recently

Today is D’s Friday, and he has tomorrow off work. I’ll be glad to have the day with him tomorrow. Still don’t really know exactly what we’re going to do, but it doesn’t matter to me as long as we get to spend time with each other. I’ve been craving his attention and touch lately, especially since the voices and my paranoia returned. I just love getting messages from him when he’s taking a break at work. I always get excited, and it brightens my day. He is my greatest love, my rock, my safe place, my everything.

I’m hoping to be more productive today, but that might not happen. I need to learn how to be ok with that. I’m going through medication changes, and possibly more to come, so I need to be more gentle with myself. I should be, anyway. It’s hard for me to practice gentleness with myself when I want to do all the things, whenever I want. My thinking is rigid, I know this about myself. This is the way your life is right now, and that’s ok…I tell myself. The uncertainty surrounding medication changes, and the side effects that I might need to learn to deal with, always unbalances me at least a little bit. I’ll make it through. One thing at a time.

Stay insane, friends,

~kiti

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